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BILLY CRYSTAL ALLEGEDLY ON STEROIDS


Today, the House of Representatives issued a subpoena for former-Yankees DH Billy Crystal over alleged steroid abuses. The documents, leaked by an unnamed Congressional aide, report that the comedian-turned baseball player is being investigated for using an elephant fertility drug, a muscle relaxant often used to subdue seals, and Viagra. "We're pretty sure that the Viagra charges won't stand up in court. We just added that to the list because of we know Rafael Palmero used it back during his playing days." said special investigator George Mitchell. Crystal was 0-1 with a strikeout in his career with the Yankees, but the former stand-up star and Oscars host was a clubhouse presence, often a large help to the Yankees who have struggled in the last few seasons compared to their dominance during the late 1990s. "He'll be a huge loss to our team," Alex Rodriguez lamented from the locker room. "He always made us laugh. And he took the heat off us when we tried to stab that guy on the Devil Rays."