VOLUME 1 ISSUE 1                                                                                 UP DATED  April 1, 2008                                                                        Weather: Mostly all day

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Get on Your Knees!  Queens students and faculty alike prepare to pray a little more.  New Motto is "Kneel or No Deal!"

If you've ever sat through a long-winded convocation ceremony, get ready, because things are about to change! The Convocation Planning Committee has announced that instead of the traditional ceremony, faculty members will be leading students in prayer for the whole hour.  Dean Downey expressed his view about all the speeches and so-called “fluff” that takes up most of the ceremony: “Screw all that other stuff – honors, awards, singing – Let's just do what we all came here to do and get on our knees!”

           
The dean explained that the reason for cracking so many jokes during the event is to pass the painful time spent between prayers. “I guess it's my defense mechanism,” he says, “I just ache when all my students aren't being required to bow their heads in unison.”  But rest assured, he won't have to make those corny jokes anymore, because the next convocation ceremony will be dedicated entirely to worshiping the Lord.
 

On a related note, the associate dean has announced that instead of using the “pansy” sign-in sheet, students will be required to swab their cheeks and leave samples at check-in. “This way we can tell who was really there,” she told us. It remains unclear what will happen to those students who do not show up. President Davies announced that the new convocation ceremony is “just the beginning.” She continued, “Eventually we hope to throw out classes entirely and have mandatory church services instead. Some people are saying that we're revolutionizing college education. To that we say... AMEN!”