VOLUME 1 ISSUE 1                          UP DATED  JANUARY 15, 2005           Weather: Mostly all day

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God Vows To Begin Divestment Immediately

VATICAN CITY -- In a press conference yesterday the Almighty responded to SEC findings that recent corporate mergers vest too much power in a few privileged enterprises, stifling competition. In a thundering pronouncement God said that He would abide by the rulings and begin divestment immediately. "There were many of us at one time," the Divine Presence recalled. And then the Great Consolidation took place. "Back around the time of Abraham, if memory serves," the Supreme Being mused. "All I said to Moses was 'No other gods before Me,' and somewhere along the line people started proclaiming there's only one and he's theirs." 

God's holdings are reported to be vast.  Plans are underway to turn some subsidiary faiths over to lesser deities who have been shut out since late antiquity.

The Olympians, including Zeus, Hera, and Apollo, say they are glad to be back in the game. "We've been living in exile since Milton called us all devils in Book One of Paradise Lost," said the relieved sky god. "We've got things to offer people, things that haven't been around since the Abramic Merger," Aphrodite said.  "All we need is an opportunity, and we'll do fine."

Egyptian deities plan an organizational meeting at Corfu sometime next week.  "We're in no hurry," said a laconic Ra. "What's time to a sun god?"  God did express concern about the Mesopotamian branch of the conglomerate. "There might be some trouble with those Assyrian and Babylonian guys," he predicted.   

Marduk, god of extreme violence and torture, could not be reached for comment.

After creating a few new household items and admitting he had seen Oliver Stone's Alexander, God left as He had arrived -- with a flourish.
 

   God creates sun (r) and moon (l)