To insure that the recent flurry of construction on the Queens University campus is in sync with the chi patterns and properly aligned with the currents of wind and water, the college has contracted with Mr. David Lu, a master geomancer, to analyze current and future feng shui compliance. After an extensive sidewalk tour of the campus (which took much longer than anticipated because Mr. Lu has an aversion to stepping on cracks), Mr. Lu offered high praise for the new Clock Tower (nick-named "Viagra" by the students) which effectively counter-balances the campus' long-existing feminine icon, the Diana Fountain.

The masculine presence of the Clock Tower in the NW quadrant of the campus, he observed, is also a good counter-weight to the curved colonnade of the Sykes Learning Center (modeled on classical temples of Hestia, the goddess of the hearth) which gives closure to the SE quadrant. In fact, he was quite pleased with the NW - SE axis of the line running from Sykes through the Diana Fountain to the Clock Tower which, although he found it unconventional for a college campus, might, he opined, auger well for fundraising, recruiting, and the addition of new food items to the dining hall's menu (specifically raw fish and several varieties of kelp).

 He did predict, however, that this particular orientation will slow down mail, cause book prices to rise and ceramic pots to fall. There should be no smoking within twenty feet of this imaginary line. Mr. Lu would not explain why but he was overheard recounting a tale of spontaneous combustion in Kowloon.

According to Mr. Lu, the addition of the parking deck and the new façade for the library would have seriously affected the ergonomics of the SW quadrant of the campus had not Harris dorm been completely demolished. Even without Harris, the NE ying to the parking deck/ library façade's SW yang is woefully inadequate to maintain the desired harmony, comprised as it is of only the Chapel (which is facing the wrong way), the Gazebo (a move two years ago that reveals great foresight on somebody's part) and that silly statue of the Lady and her Dog.

Mr. Lu recommends that the campus community observe weekly rituals of some sort in the Chapel area to give the needed gravitas to the NE quadrant of the campus. When the new Harris Dorm comes on line, the ensuing and inevitable imbalance will cause things to spin out of control -- the registrar's computer software will fail, office spaces will disappear, everyone's clothes will feel tighter, and the Diana Statue will grow hair under her arms. The only solution at that point, Mr. Lu advises, will be to add more liberal arts faculty.

Mr. Lu's complete report, contained on three legal pads, a tootsie roll wrapper, and two envelopes that carried letters from his great Aunt in Taiwan, is available in the Provost's Office. Although contracted to return for a final assessment when all construction is completed, Mr. Lu has adamantly refused to return to the Queens campus. His reason? …….. Brick sidewalks!