The voters of New Hampshire have made their
decision, and the big winner is: Change.
Here's the final vote tally:
Change -- 43 percent
Hope -- 28 percent
Hope For Change -- 17 percent
Hair -- 9 percent
Experience -- 2 percent
Dennis Kucinich -- 1 percent:
Now it's time for the politicians and the
press to drop New Hampshire like an
ant-covered corn dog and sprint for the
airport, leaving the residents of The
Granite State to spend the rest of the
winter plucking 239 billion candidate signs
out of their snowbanks, all the while
wondering if there ever really was a
candidate named ''Mike Gravel,'' or if that
was just teenagers playing a sign-planting
prank.
Meanwhile the eyeballs of the nation will
turn toward the Next Crucial Phase of the
presidential race, South (or North)
Carolina, which at the moment is the
epicenter of the political world, not to
mention Dick Harpootlian. I have not,
personally, conducted any journalism
research in North (or South) Carolina, but
based on sitting in my hotel room eating
Cheez-Its and thinking about it, I would say
that the issue most on the minds of voters
there, at the moment, is: Change. Although
of course that could change.
Meanwhile there are many unanswered
questions about the races in both parties.
On the Democratic side: Is Barack Obama for
real? Or is he, as sources inside the
Hillary Clinton campaign have suggested, a
hologram formed by laser beams? Is the
nation truly ready for a hologram president?
And speaking of Hillary Clinton: When her
eyes appeared to well up with tears during a
campaign appearance at a New Hampshire
diner, was that real welling? Or
did she fake the welling? If she did, in
fact, well, do we know for certain that
those were her own personal tears? Why was
no sample made available to the media for
testing?
Among the unanswered questions on the
Republican side are: Is John McCain, at 117,
too old and cranky to be president? Like,
during the White House Easter Egg Roll,
would he come outside in his bathrobe and
yell, ''You kids get off my lawn!'' Does
Mitt Romney contain any human DNA
whatsoever? Does he, for example, burp? Can
he emit bodily aromas? And is there any TV
show that Mike Huckabee will NOT appear on?
Are we going to see him one of these nights
on Deal or No Deal? Why does
anybody, aside from Howie Mandel's immediate
family, watch that show?
These are only some of the questions that
we, as a nation, will be trying to answer in
the critical days ahead. But before we do,
let's take a moment to look back on both the
Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire
primaries, and ask ourselves if these two
non-representative states -- which have,
between them, roughly the same total
minority population as Gladys Knight and the
Pips -- should play such a huge role in
selecting our presidential nominees. This is
a very complex issue, with many strong
arguments on both sides.
No, sorry, correction: It's actually a
simple issue. The Iowa/New Hampshire system
is insane. It's like a 50-table restaurant
with a big, varied menu, except that
only two tables are allowed to order.
If these two tables order clams, for
example, or Michael Dukakis, that's what
gets served to all the other tables. But at
this point I don't think there's anything
the rest of the states can do about it. Iowa
and New Hampshire will do anything
to be first. You populous states can't beat
them, because they want it more than you do.
They're like the people who camp out for two
weeks so they can be in front of the line to
buy tickets for a hot concert, except that
instead of a hot concert, it's a chance to
shake hands with Duncan Hunter six different
times. Tough luck, residents of populous
states! At least you don't have to deal with
the snowbank signs.
Anyway, this concludes my New Hampshire
coverage. I will write further campaign
reports as events warrant, meaning after I
do my laundry. Until then, America: Don't go
changing.