Vladimir Putin's Successor named With Some Difficulty  read story


Democracy not invented by the Greeks new study reveals.
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Entire New York Government admits to having affair.  read story

Billy Crystal allegedly on Steroids 
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Get on your knees  read story

ELIOT SPITZER BLAMES EXTRAVAGANT CALL GIRL SPENDING  ON RISING OIL PRICES
March 27. During a televised Press Conference Ex-NY Governor Eliot Spitzer announced the cause for his recent extravagant spending on call girls. Spitzer stated, “With rising oil prices, all consumer goods are costing more than ever, so it is no wonder why I spent so much money on these woman. If this had happened say ten years ago, I probably would have only spent a hundred or so, not even enough to cause a blip.” Call girl price expert Will Seelusex noted that Spitzer makes a legitimate point, “Oil prices are so dang high, we, I mean Pimps are spending more than ever to ship these girls out and to dress them appropriately.” However Mr. Seelusex also stated that there were alternatives for Spitzer. “With the recent mortgage crisis, we decided to create a line of budget girls for the man suffering from financial issues....  
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HANNAH MONTANA ANNOUNCES SUPPORT FOR PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE
Teen sensation, Hannah Montana aka. Miley Cyrus, recently announced her support for Presidential Nominee John McCain during the 2008 Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards. Montana is known to have an almost cult following among her fans and has been described as the younger, whiter version, of Oprah. When questioned as to why she choose McCain over the other candidates, Montana responded, “I like Mr. McCain because my Daddy likes him. Plus, he reminds me of my Pawpaw !” The McCain Campaign welcomed the pop-star’s support claiming, “It is an honor to have Ms. Montana’s encouragement, and it will be sure to lock in the support of the 8- 13 year old pre-teen  group. We couldn’t have asked for a better supporter.” Though as of now polls do not reflect any significant increases for McCain, some up tick is expected in 5-10 years when this new demographic is old enough to vote.
 

OSCAR THE GROUCH ACCIDENTALLY RECYCLED: SESAME STREET GRIEVES
Big Bird blames the incident on the illiteracy of the sanitation department. He claims Oscar's house was clearly designated, through numbers spray painted on the side of the dumpster, with numerous obscenities giving the bin a homely air. The tragic scene also featured liter and beer cans strewn across the adjacent pavement, causing authorities to think Oscar was too drunk to complain. Through rather large tears, the oversized yellow pigeon lamented how things would have been better if "They'd only watched our show and learned their damn alphabet!" In other depressing news, the famous muppet Elmo died in a house fire just hours after he was put up for canonization. The entire block is distraught over the loss of Oscar and St. Elmo's Fire.

POPE CONVERTS TO SCIENTOLOGY
Pope Benedict XVI made an announcement today that he would be converting to Scientology. According to inside sources, his holiness made the decision because "Tom Cruise is that damn sexy." The Vatican scheduled to have celebrations in the city for the newly canonized Ron Hubbard and to announce Vatican III, in which it will mock the believers of Transubstantiation publicly before announcing that Jesus was not actually a carpenter, but was an alien thetan who was not crucified, but merely killed off in less-than-dramatic faction in one of Hubbard's books.

SUPER DELEGATES REVEALED!
A leak from the Clinton campaign released the names of several key superdelegates she hopes will swing the Democratic primary later this year. Superdelegates can vote in the election for candidates, but are not elected through primaries like many of their counterparts. Among the men and women listed as being influential voters for the Clinton campaign were Aquaman, Spiderman, Wonder Women, the Wonder Twins, Spawn, the Green Lantern, and Underdog. The list also contained names that were unlikely to support Clinton, with a quote from Superman calling her "Kryptonite for America." Some sidekicks have expressed concern over this nomination system. Robin has been quoted as randomly exclaiming "Holy Elections, Batman! I want to vote!" Other recent developments in the crime-fighting world have brought tension to the political arena. Captain America's last will and testament was found not long after his death reading that "He would move to Canada if she [Clinton or perhaps Ron Paul] was elected."

NEW YORK PHILHARMONIC STAGES COUP IN NORTH KOREA
Just hours after a historic performance of "The Star Spangled Banner" in Pyongyang, North Korea, the New York Philharmonic staged a military coup to remove Kim Jong Il from power. After the performance, the entire orchestra reportedly walked off stage; amidst the applause, the musicians switched to small arms likely provided by the CIA in "Operation Music Box." Some light gunfire ensued, but many of the Koreans were too overtaken by the sudden switch from sixteenth notes to light machine gun fire to put up much resistance. Only one casualty was recorded, a second violinist accidentally cut his finger open when his instrument broke a string while he tried to quickly switch from the fiddle to his firearm. The coup is known to be entirely U.S backed, but the musicians are unsure what sort of government they are going to establish. "We're so used to our dictatorial conductor. Democracy would never work." A bassist expressed different concerns: "I hope we don't pull an Iraq and can get out of here in the next three to five years."

SUPREME COURT TO HEAR EXXON VALDEZ CASE
Over eighteen years after the ship spilled tons of oil into the seas off the coast of Alaska, the Valdez is finally getting her day in court. Exxon Mobil is suing to overturn $2.5 billion in punitive damages. The company says that the fine is overly stiff and is an overzealous punishment. "All we did was kill a bunch of damn birds," spokesman Oiliver Slick said, noting that the company had seal clubbing operations underway in Alaska that the government has yet to address. The amount, roughly three weeks of Exxon's 2006 profit, would go to pay wildlife damages and to Alaskan natives and fishermen whose businesses were harmed by the spill. "Why do we have to help the natives? They don't need money. They have 4,000 words for snow, how smart are these people, honestly? Can't we pay them $2.5 billion rubles?" Slick also noted with apprehension that Justice Alito, had to recuse himself because he is an Exxon stock owner. When asked why this was a problem, Slick said "We need all the judges devoid of competence or conscience that we can find. Where's the one that did the Brittany Spears cases?"
 

Famed internet man-servant Jeeves commits suicide.  Leaves note begging to be asked why.
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In a soft market, Viagra sales are up for the past three months.  A doctor has been called.
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