VOLUME 1 ISSUE 1                          UP DATED  February 14, 2005                          Weather: Mostly all day

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Atheist attacks alphabet

Luddite, CA -- After repeated attempts to remove the Ten Commandments from courthouses and eliminate the word "God" from the Pledge of Allegiance and several Marilyn Manson songs, Atheist Michael Newdow is now attacking the Phoenician alphabet.

In response to questions about why he continues to sue God, atheist Michael Newdow says, "I just don't feel I should have to be surrounded by religious symbols. I'm tired of having crosses thrown in my face.  It's just too much to bear."  Mr. Newdow's new target is the lower case "t" which he says, ":reminds me too much of  a crucifix.  This is clearly a violation of church and state and completely unconstitutional when used in government documents or in words like, well...like, 'unconstitutional!"

Even though the lowercase "t" has been used for centuries without complaint, Mr. Newdow maintains, "it's all been a great conspiracy.  Religious institutions have used the 'l/c t' for more than two thousand years, planting subliminal religious messages in our minds and making us think it's okay. But I've caught on to them."

To promote his suit, Newdow has initiated an "anti-t" March.  After mustering a few supporters, mostly atheists, third rate heavy metal bands, and members of CLOA (Coffee Lovers of America), Newdow began his crusade.  The march was brief for the CLOA participants who, after learning it was an "anti-t" not an "anti-tea" march, dispersed and headed to the nearest Starbucks.

The reaction to Newdows's campaign have been swift and harsh. Literary enthusiasts are particularly distraught with Newdow's complaints.  One writer asked, "If we get rid of the lowercase 't' what will we use to replace it.?"

Newdow is reported to have said, "You can write in all-caps for all I care.  But I'm open to suggestions.?

Anton Lavey, leader of the Church of Satan, has offered one suggestion.  "We can keep the letter 't'" he said.  "Just turn it upside down and the cross disappears.  Problem solved...."