God will comply with recent SEC rulings
Sante Fe, NM  AP -- In a press conference yesterday the Almighty responded to SEC findings that recent corporate mergers consolidate power dangerously and reduce competition. In a thundering pronouncement God said that He would abide by the rulings and begin divestment immediately.
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Condi Rice Reconsiders
Washington -- In a surprise announcement today, Condolessa Rice said she is reconsidering the recent offer made her by the President of the United States. "I didn't study this hard and work all those years just to become a friggin' secretary," she hissed at a hastily called news conference.  "I was the g-damn Provost of Stanford for Christ's sake.  That oughta count for something."  In a related development, the President's Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, admonished all White House staffers to watch their language in the spirit of the President's "mandate" from the evangelicals who elected him  Dr. Rice is reported to have told Card to "bugger off."

  Famed French philosopher dies. Nobody notices.
Paris AP-- French philosopher Jacques Derrida who spent his career demonstrating that language does not adequately  capture thought passed away/ceased to exist/was terminated as an organic life form/will soon experience the ultimate deconstruction/died as a result of a long illness/life/speech/unreadable article/whatever. The time and place could not be determined. His passing was recognized throughout Europe with a moment of silence, not out of any respect, but simply because there was nothing meaningful to say. Funeral arrangements and location of internment will remain a mystery. According to a family friend, who may have been misinterpreted, the head stone will read "This Is Not An Epitaph."

Action figure held hostage
BAGHDAD -- In an alarming development yesterday, an Islamic terrorist group posted a picture of their latest captive on the internet.  It proved to be a hoax.
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 Iraqi insurgents using U.S. plans.
MOSUL, IRAQ -- US Army soldiers of the 1st Brigade 7th Cavalry have uncovered a cache of important documents in a raid on a safe house in Mosul. The documents are written in English and appear to be strategic plans detailing United States support of Afgan resistance fighters in their struggle to oust the Soviet Union from Afghanistan in the 1980s. "They're using our own stuff against us," growled Sgt. Blaine Plexer of Modesto, Calif. "That's kinda crappy, don't you think?"  At present there are no plans for Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to contact the Russians for advice on how to counter U.S. insurgency operations.


BANDA ACEH, Indonesia -- Thousands of tsunami survivors gathered in Banda Aceh last night to raise money for a Bush  Inaugural Relief Fund. 
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PHUKET ISLAND, Indonesia -- As the clean up of this island paradise continues, some residents are beginning to look on the bright side.  "Many of our rooms are ready for tourists," says Jabar Ranji, manager of the Hotel Phuket.  "The rest are still occupied by sea turtles, but we are making progress." 
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Bush chokes up after play date with Japanese princess. Upon arrival in Japan early Wednesday afternoon, Bush and his entourage were made to wait while Princess Aiko finished her cartoons and had her snack.
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Powell gets a hearing
Wash, DC  -- An aid close to Tony Blair has confirmed that during  the Prime Minister's recent visit, the President of the United States actually did listen to something Collin Powell had to say.  It has been widely reported that Powell recommended troop levels be raised in Iraq. Three weeks later they were. "He is after all the Secretary of State," said the bemused aide-de-camp. Powell now says that the President thought he was talking to National Security Advisor Condolessa Rice who was not in the White House that day. "It was that time of the moon with me," she has confirmed. When asked about the incident, the President said "I wondered why she wasn't wearing the helmet."

In a related story, Dr. Rice now says this should put to rest any ideas that she got the Secretary of State job because "My Hus…President Bush thought he was talking to Collin Powell instead of me when he made the offer."

White House scrambles to explain what Bush really meant in inaugural address
WASHINGTON -- The White House today scrambled to explain what President Bush actually meant in his 2nd inaugural address.  In the speech, Bush warned tyrants the world over that their time is up.
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Rumsfeld: "We're Finally Winning"
THE PENTAGON -- With the news of increased suicide bombings and murders of government officials in Iraq prior to the elections at the end of January, Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld yesterday announced he believed we have finally "turned the corner" in the War on Terrorism. "It's really quite simple," he declared.  "Three years ago they were killing us here in America. Phase One was to create a situation where they would shoot at us somewhere else, like, say, Iraq.   We've done that.  Phase Two was to get the Afgan terrorists to come to Iraq so we have all the people who hate us in one place, and then give them a reason to kill each other instead of us.  They're doing that now." Rumsfeld denied there are plans to implement Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz's Phase Three which is to pull out American troops and nuke the whole country. "We'd have to wait until Powell is well out of here before we can even talk about that," Rumsfeld said.
In a related story, Secretary Rumsfeld announced that because the invasion itself did  go so well, and because we need some good news before the elections next week, he is considering pulling the army out and invading all over again.

Rocket aimed at approaching comet finds new target
GEORGETOWN, DC -- Sen. Ted Kennedy exploded yesterday as he was getting into his car in front of his Georgetown residency.  The immediate cause was not known. However, NASA officials now say they were alarmed to discover that the rocket they recently launched to intercept a comet hurtling toward earth had gone off track two days ago and seemed to be approaching the DC area. "We programmed the thing to seek out and destroy a large gaseous mass that threatened the earth," reported a confused spokesman for the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Houston.  "I guess it just found the nearest one."                                                                
Iowa man questions God         
McGURT, IOWA -- Lenny Wurtz, a tire salesman from outside McGurt, Iowa, is crying foul after Billy Graham in a prayer service at the National Cathedral identified God as a Bush supporter. "It's just not fair," groused Wurtz, a Democratic precinct captain in the last election.  "We can't win against all that money and God too." In the service, Graham thanked God "for helping us make our decision in the election."  Wurtz, a life-long Baptist, was visibly upset that God has abandoned him.  "I mean we worked our tails off for Kerry, and here it was all predestined because God pulled a lever for Bush."  Wurtz ended his tirade asking if God is even registered to vote in the United States.  "Is He responsible for Castro, too.  And Khatami in Iran. And what about that whacko Kim Jong Il? Or does He just vote in our elections?"  No one had an answer for Mr. Wurtz's questions.  In fact, no one was listening.

Culinary Institute to give credit for food fights

Queens University employs feng shui

Gender of University Mascot Questioned
 

Ashlee Simpson to begin career as mime
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Atheist attacks alphabet
Luddite, CA -- After repeated attempts to remove the Ten Commandments from courthouses and eliminate the word "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and several Marilyn Manson songs, Atheist Michael Newdow is now attacking the Phonecian alphabet.
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Students boycott nature
CHARLOTTE, NC -- Due to the recent natural disaster, students at Queens University are boycotting nature and any natural products found on or off campus.
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Core Class Confiscated for Coffee Shop
Angry students protested last week after Student Life usurped their Core class and converted it into a coffee shop.
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Humor gene discovered in California
IRVINE, CA -- A University of California, Irvine, scientist has isolated what he calls the "laugh gene," a vesicular monoamine transporter that controls the flow of chemicals to the brain.
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