VOLUME 1 ISSUE 1                          UP DATED  June 6, 2005                          Weather: Mostly all day

Action figure held hostage

BAGHDAD -- In an alarming development yesterday, an Islamic terrorist group posted a picture of their latest captive on the internet.  It proved to be a hoax.

Rick Soderfield, a Defense Department analyst studied the image for several minutes and concluded that "the captured individual is in fact an action figure doll, either wood or plastic, most likely plastic."  Mr. Soderfield based his analysis on the fact that he received a call from Murray Holcombe, of Dragon Models USA, who identified the captive as their model MPS-431J ("Specialist Cody") which sells for around $19.95 at Toys R Us. 

The White House  interpreted the news as evidence they have the bad guys on the run.  "They don't seem to have time to do terrorists things anymore," said  White House spokesman Scott McClellan.  "Just time to shop.  And let's face it, capturing an action figure is easier than a real person."

Mr. Holcombe was not convinced.  He asked Homeland Security to raise the Terrorist Level to Red Hot.  "We're the target now," he exclaimed.  Mattel spokesman Lew Knightly concurs, pointing out that "Barbie reported Ken missing three months ago.  God knows what's happened to him. And Blaine -- with that 'mid-East' tan, he could be an insurgent infiltrator." 

Coleco toys agrees and has rushed new Rambo action figures into production.  "We're ready if they come for us," growled Mitch Austin, chief designer of the popular Missile Launching Rambo figure.

In a related story, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has announced that recruiting in the National Guard and Reserves has fallen off so drastically since the war began that he is considering calling up Team America to combat this most recent threat. President Bush has affirmed that toys are important to our children.  "After all," he said at the conclusion of his State of the Union address, "Toys is us."